Hong Meiling Gets a Snuggie
by itzal
Summary: Our favorite gatekeeper gets a Snuggie to combat the harsh winter season of Gensokyo.


Hong Meiling Gets a Snuggie

~I'm making this because almost every fanfic work I've seen bashes Meiling in some fashion. I feel bad for her.~

DISCLAIMER: I do not claim possession to, nor invention of the Touhou series and/or Snuggies in any conceivable method; this fanfic is meant for entertainment only.

It was cold. It was very cold. It was a horrid winter in Gensokyo, just a few weeks before Christmas. Not only was it snowing, but the sky also had plenty of wind to hurl the snow around like Sakuya's knives. Speaking of Sakuya, this story takes place at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Hong Meiling was standing at the gate, doing her job, but it was far too cold; she shivered endlessly, as the blanket that Sakuya gave her was not enough to fight the harsh weather. She looked at her fingers, which were turning blue. A thought then hit her mind: "Why am I out here? No sane person would be out in this weather!" And with that, she staggered inside.

Within, it was a very different scene. Sakuya was making dinner, and Flandre and Remilia were playing a video game with Patchouli by a warm fire. Needless to say, Patchouli was beating them. Sakuya noticed the ice block at the door.

"Meiling! What are you doing in here?! You're supposed to be guarding the door!"

"But Sakuyaaa…it's too cold! No one's out there anyway!"

"Well, someone might be out! Go on and get back out there!"

"Can I at least borrow your coat?"

Sakuya was thinking far too long, so Remilia said "Come on, she's too cold. At least give her your coat, Sakuya.".

"…okay, fine!"

She got her coat out from the closet. Meiling put it on. It didn't fit.

"Sakuyaaa…the coat won't go around my chest!"

"SHUT UP!"

"I'm sick and tired of standing out there day and night just inches from death!"

"You mean Komachi, right?" asked Patchouli.

"NO! I want something nice! I want a nice coat that I can wear! I want a coat that's soft. And big! And WARM! Something that can make me be happy about guarding that damn gate in the middle of the freezing night, even when there's nobody there!"

At that point, Patchouli turned the game off and put the TV back on cable.

"You want to keep warm-"

Pathouli changed the channel.

"PATCHOULI! TURN IT BACK!"

"…why?"

"WHY?! JUST DO IT! DO IT NOW!"

"Okay, whatever."

"…and when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside!"

Meiling was overjoyed.

"Now there's the Snuggie! The blanket that has sleeves!"

"WHAT?! THAT'S PERFECT! THAT'S WHAT I NEED!"

"…so now you can work the remote, or read a book in total warmth and comfort!"

"SAKUYA! GET ME THAT! I WANT THAT!"

"You want…that?"

"YES! YES, I WANT THAT!"

"Come on, Meiling, it looks stupid."

"No it doesn't!"

"It looks like a cult outfit."

"No it doesn't! I want it!"

"…and still be wrapped in warmth! Super large, one size fits all, so…"

"And it can fit me!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Look at them! Playing backgammon in that lovely invention! And all those other things! Look! They're outside in their Snuggies!"

Patchouli said "Who walks outside like that?".

Sakuya looked at the screen. "And look. There's a phone number now. I should call it now, right?"

"YES! DO IT! DO IT NOW!"

"Okay, fine…"

"WAIT! I WANT TO CALL THEM!"

"…and why do you want to do that?"

"BECAUSE IT'S MY INVESTMENT!"

"You don't have any money."

"…no I don't!"

"…yeah."

"But we have an account, right?"

"…I guess."

"GREAT! GIVE ME THAT PHONE!"

She quickly dialed the number.

"Hello?"

"Yes, I would like to purchase a Snuggie, please."

"…no. Look, this is not the Snuggie phone number."

"…what? Who is this?"

"REIMU!"

"Oh, hey, Reimu! What's up?"

"If I get one more call from someone asking for a Snuggie, I'll burn that building down!" She hung up.

Lucky for her, Remilia wrote the number before the commercial ended. Meiling called it.

"Hello, and welcome to ASM Inc. Please press-"

"I want a Snuggie, please!"

There was silence.

"Hello? Can I get a Snuggie?!"

"Um, Meiling, I think that's an automated line." said Patchouli.

"It is? What is that?"

The voice started again.

"To order a Snuggie, press 1 now. To order a-"

"OKAY!" She pressed 1.

"Please state your address now."

"OKAY! Um…Sakuyaaa…what's our address?"

"Address? I don't think we have one…I'll check outside."

The phone line continued. "We're sorry, but 'Um…Sakuyaaa…what's our address?' is not a valid address. Please state your address now or press 1 for assistance."

"OKAY!" She pressed 1, and a few seconds passed.

"Welcome to ASM Inc., how may we help you?"

"Yes! I want to buy a Snuggie, please!"

"Well, you can. All we need is your address and credit card information."

"That's the thing! We don't have an address!"

"…what?"

"Yeah!"

Sakuya came back in. "We don't have an address."

"We don't have an address!"

"…but you've got to have an address…"

"Well, I know that we're in Gensokyo…"

"…Gensokyo? I'll check it on our computer…I'm sorry, but 'Gensokyo' is not a valid place name."

"Well, I know that there's a big border around it."

"…what?"

"Yeah! It's a town with a border around it! In Nagano!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That's where we are! In the Scarlet Devil Mansion!"

She could hear some whispering on the other line.

"…okay, I'm going to transfer you. Please hold."

A few seconds passed.

"Hey, Meiling."

"…who is this?"

"Nitori!"

"…"

"The kappa."

"Oh! Hello!"

"So you want a Snuggie, huh?"

"Yes!"

"Well, we've got a fresh shipment in. Yeah, a fresh shipment. We ordered it about a month ago and no one in Gensokyo's bought any. You'd be our first customer, Meiling."

"OKAY! Give me a Snuggie in red please!"

"Sure, Meiling. I will personally deliver it in about a few hours and expect 15 bucks. In cash. Yeah, in cash." She hung up.

"YES! I'M GETTING A SNUGGIE! I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAIT BECAUSE IT'S SHIPPING FROM GENSOKYO!"

"Yeah, and you don't have to pay shipping either." said Patchouli. "Shipping sucks."

"Great! And I'll be taking my break now, Sakuya!"

"…what a convenient time, Meiling."

Nitori knoced on the door, dressed heavily. Sakuya answered it.

"Is this that Snuggie?"

"Yeah, It's the Snuggie. 15 bucks, love."

"…okay, but don't call me 'love' ever again."

"Yeah, sure. Nice doing business with ya." She left.

"Meiling, your Snuggie thing's here-"

"…what?" She was sleeping on the couch.

"Your Snuggie."

"…YES!" She tore the box savagely. Within the box was what she wanted; a Snuggie. She put it on.

"Oh my goodness…it's so comfortable! IT'S PERFECT! I'll be going out to the gate now, Sakuya!"

"Yeah, sure."

The wind was still whipping outside, but Meiling was doing okay, thanks to her Snuggie.

_Okay! I'll be fine out here! Yeah, it's going great! I can stay out here all through the night! I'm ready for anything that comes across my way!_

On cue, Marisa walked to the gate.

"Hey, Meiling. What the hell are you wearing?"

"It's my Snuggie, Marisa!"

"…oh yeah, that thingamabob on TV. Does it work?"

"YES! It's perfect for these bad winds!"

"Well, see ya." She walked towards the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to see Patches."

"Well, Patchouli has told me personally to prohibit you from entering!"

"…really?"

"Really! So leave now if you want to do this the easy way!" She went into a karate stance.

"And what is the other way?"

"I'll have to fight you!"

She looked at Meiling's karate stance, which looked ridiculous thanks to the Snuggie.

"Okay, your move."

"FOR THE SCARLET FAMILY!"

She tripped on the bottom of the Snuggie and fell face-first into the snow.

"…well, I'll be going in now."

"Ffau vidvuvet zuh kee?"

"What?"

She pulled her head up and spit the snow out. "I said 'How did you get a key?'".

"Oh, Patches gave me a spare. Dunno why she doesn't like me anymore."

"…SNEAK ATTACK!" She went for Marisa's ankle.

"Sorry, dear. Too late."

She got up and tried to stop her, but she got a faceful of spikey gates instead.

_Dang it…this Snuggie is hindering my job! What do I do? I can't fight in it, but I need it to be warm!_

A few minutes later, she barged inside the mansion and went into the library.

"Patchouli!"

"…yes?"

"I NEED YOU!"

"Okay, well you let Marisa in here. I think you've done enough."

"But I've got an idea to get rid of this freezing weather!"

"What?"

"You do that spell card thing near me!"

"…Agni Shrine?"

"Yeah, yeah! That one! It'll keep me warm!"

"…why?"

"I CAN'T FIGHT INTRUDERS WITH THE SNUGGIE ON!"

"Can't you just take it off when someone comes?"

"…that…is…PERFECT! Thanks, Patches!

"…please don't call me Patches."

She went back outside. "Okay! I'll just take off the Snuggie when someone comes by! Yeah! BRING IT ON!"

A few hours later, it was time to go to bed. Meiling's shift was done, so Sakuya was expecting her to come inside. However, she didn't. Sakuya looked at the snow outside, which had calmed down quite a bit. She knew what that would cause.

_Come on, Meiling…don't fall asleep…_

She went outside. She was sleeping on the ground, well, not really. She was covered in bandages.

"MEILING! WAKE UP!"

"…wha? Oh heeeeey…knife ladyyyy…'sup?"

"Don't give me that! Why are you sleeping?! And who put this campfire here?!"

"Weeeeeeeeelllllllll…let me telllllll you a storrrryyyy…"

FLASHBACK

After Patchy's tip, Hong Meiling went back outside. She was prepared to fight any intruder that stood in her way. Unfortunately, Nitori came back.

"Hey, Meiling. How's the Snuggie?"

"It's GREAT! I'm loving it! I can fight ANYBODY!"

"Well, about that, it has come to my attention that some of Sakuya's dough was fake. So, I'm here to beat her up. Yeah, to beat her up."

"What? You can't beat her up!"

"Why not?"

"Because the rules say that I must defend the mansion from anyone that wants to hurt anyone inside of it! This means war!"

She took off her Snuggie, and went into a karate stance again.

"'kay, Chugoku. Let's fight."

Unfortunately, Meiling stuck to the code of honor, and Nitori used sneaky tactics. Also, the latter keeps a laser gun at her side. Meiling's kicks and punches could not beat a laser gun shot.

"…damn kappa…why do you have a laser gun?"

"Technology, babe. It keeps getting better and better. Like that song."

"Well, I'm not done yet!"

The gate guard kicked Nitori's laser gun away and wailed on her. Unfortunately, Aya was at the scene hiding within the bushes.

"Ayayayaya…what a great story! I can see it now…'Karate beats Tech'!

She took a picture of the fight with the flash on, which surprised Meiling.

"AN OPENING!"

Nitori turned the tables. When all was done, Meiling was defeated, on the snow.

"Make sure she pays me good, yes? Otherwise I'll have to hurt you again." She left.

"…DAMMIT, AYA!"

"Ayayayaya! You've caught me!" She ran away.

/FLASHBACK

"Sooooooooooooooooo, I weeeent to da store and got me some baaand-aaaaaids and some mediciiiiiiiine…..I guessssssss I took too muuuuuch!"

"…okay, it's time to go to bed."

She lifted her onto her back and walked to Meiling's room.

"Weeeeeeeeeee…heeeeeeeyyyy…you're wearing paaaaaaaaadsss…"

"…"  
"So, it's not cooold nooooowwww. Hey! It's my rooooom!"

She put her on top of the bed.

"Goodnight, Meiling."

"Goooooood niiiiight…and gooood luuuuuuck…"

To abridge, the following few weeks were very calm and successful for Meiling; she stopped every intruder from entering the mansion (it was usually Marisa), thanks to Patchouli's AMAZINGLY AWESOME take-off-the-Snuggie-when-fighting idea. However, one afternoon, she came in far before lunch break.

"Sakuyaaa…my Snuggie needs to be washed…"

"And of course you can't go out there without it, right?"

"Yeah! How did you know? I need it!"

"Well, this is the perfect time to unveil your surprise."

"Huh?"

Flandre, Patchouli, and Remilia walked into the room, holding a gift-wrapped box.

"Hong Meiling, in honor of your great work to this mansion's defense, we have chipped in to give you this. Merry Early Christmas."

"…wha…A GIFT! IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS!"

She opened it. "It's…a piece of paper! Um…OH! SOMETHING'S ON THE BACK!"

She got 10 days off.

"Now, Meiling, use them wisely.", said Sakuya. "I know that the intruder traffic calms down around the holidays, so we've decided to take advantage of that."

"OH THANK YOU! EVERYONE! YOU'RE THE BEST! ALL OF YOU! GROUP HUG!"

Patchouli almost suffocated in the hug.

"Sakuya…your pads are too hard. Get better ones."

"…what are you talking about? I don't wear pads, silly girl!"

"Well, my face was plastered in something hard during that hug…I need to exercise."

"Where are you going, Patchouli?", asked Flandre.

"To play WoW."

"But, what about Marisa? She comes about every day!"

"Well, this is your Christmas replacement."

Her replacement jumped out from the back of the hallway.

"Whazzap?!"

"…Tenshi?"

"Don't worry, Meiling! This mansion'll be protected just fine."

"…don't you need my Snuggie?"

"Hah! That thing? I'll be fine! It'll be fun out there!"

~Fin~

BTW, I'll make a "sequel" to this in the "Secret Santa" type of story.


End file.
